A “shut up” ring is a phrase popularized by TikTok user Cecilia Regina, meaning an engagement ring someone gives to their partner not because they actually want to get married but because they want their partner to stop nagging them about it. This could be due to the person proposing not being ready yet, or it could be because they just never want to propose but don’t want to lose their partner or know how to say it. Either way, a “shut up” ring is a surefire way to blow up the relationship and really hurt someone. Here are 18 ways to tell if you’ve been given a “shut up” ring by your boyfriend.
It’s Not the Style of Ring You Wanted
If someone wants to marry you, they should know your style and taste. They should know if you prefer gold or silver and if there is a particular cut you like. This is something you’re ideally wearing every day for the rest of your life, so if they don’t try to make sure it’s something you’ll love, they might not think you’ll be wearing it for all that long.
He Doesn’t Want to Tell People
Some people enjoy keeping their engagement or other big news private for a period of time to enjoy it as a couple, but that only works if both people agree. If weeks or months go by and he’s still trying to keep it lowkey, that’s a really bad sign. He should want to shout it from the rooftops.
It’s Insanely Cheap (And He Can Afford More)
The qualifier here is that he can afford more, and he spends money on lots of recreational stuff but won’t drop that kind of cash on a symbol of his love for you. Price tags do not equate to the amount of love in a relationship, but if he is the type of person who likes to spend money, he should be using some of it to spoil you.
He’s Passive Aggressive About It
If you guys get engaged and he starts making comments like “You owe me” or “Well, since you forced me to propose,” that is a strong indicator that he didn’t want to do it. Any sort of passive-aggressive comments, even masked as jokes, should be taken seriously.
It Only Comes After an Ultimatum
An ultimatum is yet another great way to wreck a relationship. Sometimes, they feel necessary, but it will likely lead to resentment and unhappiness if you stay together. If you tell your boyfriend he needs to propose by X date, or you’re done, and then he proposes, he definitely didn’t want to and won’t end up marrying you, at least not very willingly.
He’s Not Interested in Setting a Date
This is one of those things that can depend on the couple because some people want semi-long engagements, especially if they haven’t been together very long. However, if you are trying to plan a wedding and he doesn’t seem interested in any of the potential dates you’ve lined up, that may mean it’s getting too real for him, and he never wanted to get married at all.
He’s Got a History of Being Avoidant
Your partner might propose to you simply to avoid the conflict that will come if he doesn’t. If your partner tends to be conflict-averse, this could play into his decision to give you a “shut up” ring.
You Grow Further Apart, Not Closer Together
An engagement is supposed to be a wonderful, meaningful step in your relationship, so if afterwards you feel like there is a distance rather than an increased closeness, this might be a warning sign.
He’s Always Said He Didn’t Want Marriage
Some people really do change their minds… and some don’t. In an instance where your boyfriend said for years that he didn’t want to get married, but you kept pushing anyway, he very well may have given you a ring to keep you from bothering him about it.
There Was Pressure from Your Friends and Family
A lot of people are made really uncomfortable by external pressure coming from their partner’s friends or family before they’re ready to pop the question. If he felt a ton of heat, he might have proposed before he really wanted to. This is more of a “shut up” to your family.
He Doesn’t Seem Excited
Maybe he’s nervous about the seriousness of marriage because it is a big deal. But it’s likely if he doesn’t seem excited that he didn’t want to propose at all and is perhaps regretting his decision.
Religious Pressure Played a Part
Many communities, especially in the South, put a massive amount of pressure on people to get married young, a. before they have sex and/or b. before they live with a partner. Some churches don’t even take single people seriously. So, if there has been a lot of pressure towards your partner due to religious reasons, he may not have ever wanted to take the next step, but it’s just harder to tell.
He Posts Everything… Except This
Again, a qualifier. If he’s not active on social media, this doesn’t mean anything. But if he is sharing pictures of his breakfast bagels and golf outings with the boys, he better share that he now has a fiancé. If he doesn’t, he’s most likely trying to hide it from the world.
The Proposal Wasn’t Well Planned
Maybe it’s a spontaneous, romantic proposal because he just couldn’t wait a minute longer to ask you to be his wife, or maybe he didn’t care enough to plan it out. You’ll probably be able to tell the difference based on his emotions and behavior during and after the proposal.
He’s Stops Trying in the Relationship
Being engaged doesn’t automatically mean your partner doesn’t have to put in effort for you anymore. You can still leave whenever you want, as can he, and you should both always be trying to make each other feel good and loved. If he stops trying after he proposes, he probably doesn’t genuinely care about the relationship and is maybe even trying to sabotage it.
His Friends and Family Start Acting Differently
If you are super happy but your fiancé and his loved ones are acting off, they might all know something that you don’t. In this case, you need to talk to him and figure out why the people in his life are pulling away from you.
You Didn’t Think He’d Actually Do It
Surprises are lovely, but if you are so shocked when he proposes that you actually think it’s a joke, that could be a red flag. It should ideally be more of a “finally” feeling than a “wait, really?”
He More or Less Says It Outright
He may be resentful enough of you pushing him towards a proposal he didn’t want that he will be blunt about it. If your partner brings up the fact that you gave him an ultimatum, don’t sweep it under the rug or let your excitement overshadow it. It will all come up eventually.
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