Healthy relationships are built on trust and mutual respect for each other’s feelings. Not everyone is able to stick to these boundaries, using other people for their own benefit with little regard for how it affects a friend or partner. Manipulation is subtle and victims of manipulation don’t always know that they are in an unhealthy relationship. Here we give 18 questions manipulators ask that are red flags.
Why Don’t You Trust Me?
Not taking responsibility is a classic sign of someone being manipulative, instead they will question your trust. Asking creates a power dynamic that makes you question yourself and feel insecure. Feelings of guilt for asking the question also make you feel ashamed for not believing in your partner.
Aren’t You Overreacting?
Deflecting accountability focuses the blame away from the person asking the question. Rather than addressing the issue, it is now centered on minimizing the feelings of the person who wants to confront problematic behavior.
Do You Really Want to Hurt My Feelings?
Playing the victim removes accountability, the goal of a manipulator. They do not and will not admit to doing wrong. Asking if you want to hurt their feelings is a way of manipulating your emotions to believe it is actually you who is wrong.
Why Can’t You Be More Like Them?
Comparing one person to another creates doubt, confusion, and insecurity. Friendships and relationships are based on taking someone for who they are and not what you want them to be. Asking someone to be like another person is preying on their emotions and can cause psychological damage.
Do You Think You’re Perfect?
Throwing a question back at someone is a manipulator's most used tool; when they have done something wrong, they will make it about the other person. Not being perfect does not negate questionable behaviors.
Why Are You Being So Difficult?
When a manipulative person wants something but can’t have it, they like to claim that the other person is being unreasonable. Asking this question creates doubt and confusion and the person being manipulated begins to believe they are the problem. Asking questions or not doing something you don’t want to is not being difficult, you are just asserting your boundaries.
Why Do You Always Make Things About You?
It is ironic for them to ask why it is always about you given that manipulative people have only one consideration: themselves. They don’t believe you are making it about you, they want to remove accountability so you think you are being selfish. The question will linger in the mind, causing doubt for almost every action and situation.
Are You Going to Let Us All Down Again?
Using the insecurities of other people to make them question themselves and feel inferior is a manipulator's special talent. A power imbalance is created and you feel you owe the person asking the question something for your failures.
You Don’t Care About My Opinion?
It is common during disagreements for manipulative people to accuse their partner of not listening. Not agreeing doesn't mean you are not listening but a manipulator won’t accept that they are wrong. They are invalidating your feelings and causing you to feel as if you are the one who is displaying abusive behavior.
How Could You Do This to Me?
The most innocuous actions become unforgivable crimes in the mind of a manipulative person. They want you to believe that you are a terrible person who never takes into account their feelings. Feelings of guilt are played upon and the manipulator will use them to get their way.
Why Can’t You Just Let It Go?
Asking why you won’t just let something go will make you feel as if you are overreacting. It can be accompanied by accusations of being overly emotional. A manipulator tries to avoid accountability at any cost so instead of taking ownership for their mistakes, they will blame you for not being forgiving.
Do You Want to See Me Suffer?
Addressing issues within a relationship is not seen as a healthy form of communication by manipulative people. They would rather be a victim who is being put through unimaginable pain. It is done to reverse a situation and take back power, even when they know they are in the wrong.
Can’t You Take a Joke?
Insults are never a joke but by reducing them to a bit of fun, you are made to question yourself. It’s a method of manipulation and is used in abusive relationships. Insults should be taken at face value and anyone who claims they are just a joke should be avoided.
Why Do You Always Make Me the Bad Guy?
Manipulative people always want to make you feel as though you are creating problems. No matter what they have done, you can’t question them; to do so means you are persecuting them. They are likely the ones who constantly put you in the position of feeling like you are the ‘bad guy.’
Are You Trying to Start a Fight?
If you ask a legitimate question about someone’s behavior and they accuse you of starting conflict, it is a red flag. They do not want to take ownership of what they have done so will make you feel that you are being aggressive.
Do You Think Anyone Else Would Put Up With You?
Never accept being asked this question. It is a way of belittling you and making you feel that you have no other option but to remain in an unhealthy relationship. Being alone is better than remaining with someone who wants you to believe they are your savior.
Why Are You So Sensitive?
To downplay questionable behaviors, a manipulator will make accusations of you being sensitive. This is to put doubt in your mind and also stop you from making any further attempts at communication that bring up this behavior.
Do You Really Think You’re Right About This?
A manipulator wants you to question yourself and make you believe that you are intellectually inferior. They aren’t interested in what you might actually think, they only want to avoid accountability and maintain a power imbalance.
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