Marriage is one of the biggest steps that anyone can take and not something that you should step into lightly. There is no magical age, stage, or even formula that signals that an individual or a couple is ready to tie the knot. There are also no set reasons why a marriage makes it or not. According to recent statistics, 40-50% of all first marriages do not make and second marriage success rates are even more dire at about 60-67% not being a happily ever after. The key to surviving is making sure you are ready, to begin with. These are signs to consider about whether it is time for you to say “I do.”
You Want to be Married
Sometimes it isn’t about whether your relationship is at a point where it is time to get married. Some people need to stop and ask themselves the first, and most critical question, “Do I want to get married.” Societal pressure and norms can be pretty powerful. The biggest mistake that anyone can make, therefore, is not listening to their gut and what they really want. Just because everyone else is doing it, or you are at a stage where it is the next logical step, you need to make sure that it is the next step for you.
Financial Stability
A lot of factors tie into whether a marriage is sustainable and blissful. The first couple of years are tough enough with life stressors and everyday problems becoming both of your problems. If one or both of you aren’t financially stable in a relationship, that can be a potentially big issue. When you can’t support yourself, sharing the load with someone else will bring about resentment. If neither of you can support yourselves, you will just be broke together.
Relationship Health
There is no definition of what a healthy relationship is, but there are certain positive things to look for, and also red flags that say “No.” A healthy relationship is where two people respect, care for, and are kind to one another. Things like co-dependence, poor attachment styles, and other unhealthy things like addiction will doom a marriage before it has solidified. Before you marry your partner remember that a ring will not clear up the parts of your relationship that aren’t so healthy. Only two people working together can, married or not.
Shared Values
Marriages work best when two people have a commonality in the things they value. If your partner values time together and you are more about time with friends, that isn’t going to change when you say “I do.” Couples who have a different perspective and outlook on life have a harder time bonding throughout the hard times. Those things that don’t seem like a big deal, become a very big deal when they start to affect one person’s happiness or what they want out of life.
Intimacy
Intimacy is important in a relationship because it means that you can be completely open and honest about your feelings, wants, and dislikes. Being intimate means that you have to have a certain level of vulnerability to let someone in. If one partner doesn’t have their emotional needs met, it can create resentment and conflict in a relationship. If you can’t trust one another, then it is hard to stay in the long course.
Stand By Me
Marriage is forever and if you feel like you can walk away when things get tough, that is a sign that you aren’t ready to tough it out. No one should ever enter into a marriage feeling as if they will “give it a try.” Before you commit, make sure that you can confidently look at nearly all scenarios and think “Yep, I'm 100% in,” before you actually do. Marriage is not a trial run. Once you say I do, there’s no running from it.
Healthy Boundaries
People put their best foot forward in relationships when they begin. Often, one, or both, partners will do things that they might not otherwise because they fear losing the relationship. Over time, however, you have to put away that fear and be able to tell your significant other what you will and what you won’t put up with. The same goes for what is okay and not okay. If your borders are open to the point of leaving yourself vulnerable to harm, that isn’t being completely true to yourself or protecting your peace. When you develop boundaries, it keeps the peace for everyone.
Your Community Supports it
Married people marry their family, friends, and community. If you have issues with the people supporting you not exactly supporting your union, then you need to pause and ask why. When people you love aren’t on board with your marriage, that will create a lot of stress right out of the gate. Also, you have to ask yourself and those around you the hard question about why they don’t support the marriage. Sometimes you have to be open to hearing things you don’t want to hear because shouting them down or avoiding them only makes them louder.
Your Test-Driven Challenges
Marriage is about the peaks and valleys. If you have only known peaks, valleys can create a big enough rift to tear you apart. Before you consider marrying someone and committing to be at their side for the rest of your life, make sure that you cling when times are tough instead of tearing one apart. Unless you have had practice weathering the storm, you just never know how the storm will take you.
Empathy for One Another
People have varying degrees of empathy, but for a marriage to work, both people have to be empathetic to and understand the needs of each other. When someone lacks empathy, it makes it very difficult for the other person to get their needs met. That doesn’t mean that someone has to match your empathetic scale 100%. It does, however, mean that you have to feel loved and cared for.
Comfortability
Do you remember when you first started dating and you felt those butterflies? Most likely that was a mixture of attraction and newness. As time progresses, those butterflies should hopefully give way to a deep love and understanding instead of the nervous jitters they started as. Comfortability doesn’t mean that you stop being attracted and doing everything you can to be attractive. It does, however, mean that you can be yourself and feel good in your own skin when you are with the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Your Goals Match
If you are ready to get married and settle down and your partner is ready to uproot and chase their dreams, then it is probably not the right time to settle. Perhaps too, it might not be the one for you. There are a lot of things that people who love each other can and will look past. There are also things that they never should. If you feel like you have to sacrifice what you desire in life or your life goals for someone else, then you will probably grow to resent it. Be realistic about what you want your future to look like and make sure that you are honest about the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Responsibilities
Dating someone differs from being responsible. Couples go into marriage idealistic, as they should, but life doesn’t always give us what we want. When you marry someone it comes with the responsibility to be there for them through thick and thin. It also comes with extended responsibility that you can’t see coming, but when they do, you won’t be able to avoid it. Are you ready to take the next step to being responsible for someone other than yourself? Once more, are you ready to be responsible for all the people that they are, and can be responsible for, in the future too?
Communication Maturity
Couples who say they don’t fight are either not telling the truth or not facing reality. Learning to deal with conflict and having healthy communication are both the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. If you kick the can down the road for two long, one day that can is going to kick back. Learning to resolve conflicts as they come so they don’t snowball is the only way to have a mature and healthy marriage.
Are They Your Emergency Contact?
You have to have other relationships outside of your marriage, but you also have to make your partner and marriage a priority. When good things happen, who do you want to talk to? Once more, when bad things do, who do you turn to? Being in a marriage is like signing up to have and be an emergency contact. You better make sure that you not only love the person you intend to marry but also, that you like them a lot. There are hopefully many years you will spend together.
You Agree on the Major Things
No two people are going to agree about everything, but to have a harmonious marriage, you have to be on the same page. Things like childrearing, having children, religion, money, and politics are usually those things that we shelf with our partners because they cause conflict, especially when you disagree. It isn’t that you can’t work out the major differences of perspective and opinion, it's just that you shouldn’t wait until after marriage to work them out.
There is no set age, stage, or point that signals that you are ready to tie the knot. If you want your happily ever ever to be both happy and forever, the key is asking the hard questions before you decide it is time and making sure that you want marriage in your future now, or at all. Society can put a lot of pressure on individuals and so too can their significant others, but you owe it to yourself and them to make sure that you are 100% ready, committed, and onboard before you say “I will” to “I do.”
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