Younger people tend to be more tolerant of what they will put up with and what they won’t. Perhaps because they are just entering the dating field and feel as if they have more time to look around, or because they haven’t yet learned what they value. As you get older, you start to lose tolerance for certain traits and behaviors, and where you once might not have drawn a boundary against them, they become non-negotiable. These are common things that, over time, become dealbreakers.
Smoking
Smoking used to be considered cool and something that made you look older. The irony of that is it does make you look older, only prematurely. Habits like smoking, which are not only disgusting, but they tend to shorten your life span and harm those around you, are non-negotiable when you are finally ready to settle down. When someone has a vice that affects them to a degree, it affects those around them, and it becomes a dealbreaker.
Kids
You either want children or you don’t. Many younger people assume that although the person they are dating says they don’t want children, eventually they will. That, however, is usually not the case. While some people change their minds as they grow older, many do not, and wasting time dating or being with someone who doesn’t want something critical to your life plan is no longer acceptable when time becomes shorter.
Career Versus Family
Younger people tend to be more career-oriented, but individual preferences do exist. When you get older, you tend to see things differently and evaluate things like work/life balance. Someone who wants to spend time with another person, raise a family, and make their family a priority will constantly be at odds with another person who wants to put their career first. While younger people are optimistic that things will work out, older people aren’t willing to wait it out to see if it does.
Financial and Spending Habits
Spendthrifts and tightwads might be able to make nice when they are younger and their financials are their own. When you get to a stage where your finances begin to intertwine and you are picking up the tab all the time or not able to save due to the spending habits of someone else, that causes conflict. Conflict leads to arguing, and arguing to misery. Older people have usually seen firsthand that money does matter, enough so that if they aren’t on the same spending track, they get off track right away.
Vices
Just like smoking, any other habits or vices that are destructive to an individual no longer become tolerable when you are trying to rely on someone. Drinking too much, taking drugs, or other unhealthy behaviors are hard for people to live with. There are many fish in the sea, and many of those aren’t addicted to things that tend to hurt people and their relationship dynamics.
Housekeeping
Just like spendthrifts and tightwads, clean freaks and messy people don’t go so well together. The Odd Couple used to be a sitcom where it was funny to see two people irritate each other with their differences in cleanliness, but it isn’t funny when you have to live with it. Although some people can change their ways, when you get to a certain age, you realize not only that if someone were going to change, they would have by now, but also that you don’t want to and aren’t willing to change yourself.
Communication
Highly communicative people want the same in a partner. In reverse, those who tend to be more reserved and not as communicative don’t want the hassle of having to be “on” all the time. As you get older, you begin to respect your own needs above other people’s. If deep communication and understanding are something you crave and want, then it is non-negotiable and something you refuse to live without.
Honesty
If you can’t trust your partner, then building intimacy is nearly impossible. We all tell little white lies at times to avoid hurting our partners, but if lying or being dishonest is a common theme, then most older people will not tolerate it. If you can’t trust what someone says, you can’t trust what they will do or who they are. Building a life with someone requires that you know that you can depend on them and also depend on what they say.
Loyalty
Loyalty isn’t just about monogamy, although that is important. When you are older, you have learned that people who aren’t loyal to you are not worth your time. Whether that means never speaking ill of you or repeating things that are in confidence, having someone’s back is a major must to carry on a healthy relationship. It is also necessary to build a family and future.
Intimacy Depth
Some people are more affectionate than others. There are also varying degrees of intimacy that people want in a relationship. An old saying goes, “What goes on in the bedroom, goes on in the relationship.” If one person isn’t getting their needs met, then there is a good chance that they are going to go outside of the relationship. Older individuals already know what they want and what they will forego. If intimacy isn’t one of those things, then they will continue to look around.
Reliability
One of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship is support and reliability. If you can’t rely on the fact that someone will be there when you need them, then that is not really a supportive relationship. Being someone’s “emergency contact” is about more than filling in your partner’s name when signing releases. It is an entire way that you can either trust they will be there when you need them or not. For many, if you can’t, then you have to move along to find someone you can.
Respecting Boundaries
Boundaries are things set to protect our peace. Although being vulnerable and available in a relationship are both important, boundaries are too. Older people realize that they are not willing to sacrifice certain things, which is what boundaries are all about. Finding a mate becomes more about finding a special someone who will respect those things that are important and off-limits instead of sacrificing what they want.
Taking Accountability
When you do something wrong in a relationship, it is important to apologize and take responsibility for your actions. If you don’t, then likely the other person will start to resent you. Resentment is a cancer that affects everything around it. After being in various relationships over the years, many understand that if someone won’t accept responsibility and acknowledge what they’ve done, there can be no moving forward. Staying stuck just sucks.
Politics
It is harder to get along in a relationship where people have very different views about the world and the people in it. Politics tends to be about your ideation as a whole. When two people are from opposite sides of the political fence, some can agree to disagree, but very few can remain at odds for the long term. It is easier to avoid the harder types of relationships when you can and immediately try to find someone who is in line with you instead of trying to get someone to align with you.
Religion
Although religion tends to play a lesser role in many people’s lives, much like politics, if you marry someone outside of your religion and are traditional, it can cause friction when you have families and especially when you have children. Again, if you can find someone who has the same views as you, then it is much easier than trying to convert people. Not many people convert who they are, nor should they.
Compromise
Healthy relationships exist because there is a healthy bit of compromise from both partners. If one refuses to yield under all circumstances, that can lead to a lot of resentment in the relationship. Compromise is a form of respecting someone else’s needs and wants. When people are fair about giving in, when possible, it gives the other mate validation that they mean something and are worth a little sacrifice.
Life Goals
A go-getter is probably not going to have an easy time long-term with a couch potato, and someone who is hell-bent on a career isn’t going to necessarily meld with someone who wants to work to pay their bills only. In your twenties, it doesn’t seem like a big deal to have differing ideas about what you want out of life. Many think as time goes on, plans change, so who cares at the moment? Once you get down the road and more serious, those things that didn’t seem to matter matter greatly. Older individuals understand that time is ticking and it is easier to find someone on the same path than to meet someone at a fork in the road.
When you begin dating, it seems silly to consider a future with someone you barely know. Like buying a dress, you try on a lot of different styles to see which one “fits.” Over time, as relationships don’t last, you begin to realize what you will and won’t put up with. Most importantly, you find what it is that you really want and aren’t willing to sacrifice. Older people understand that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and you might not want to. It is much easier to take the path of least resistance and find someone you can’t resist from the start. It might take longer, but it is worth it.
