Arguments can make or break a relationship. Even in the most healthy relationships, there’ll be disagreements and the way in which you handle them is what keeps things healthy. If you’re angry, resorting to making unfounded accusations and shouting will be the easiest thing to do. This isn’t the right way to resolve the situation, so take a deep breath and take a look at these tips for resolving an argument in a healthy way.
Stay Calm
You need to start a discussion in the right frame of mind, or the situation will just escalate. If you’re getting angry, take a step back and breathe before responding. This will stop the argument from getting out of control and ending up in a shouting match.
Use “I” Statements
“I” statements allow you to explain your feelings without putting the blame on your partner, which will only make things worse. For example, saying, “I feel overlooked when I speak and am interrupted,” focuses on your feelings rather than accusing the other person of being rude.
Listen Actively
Active listening means you have to actually listen to what your partner is saying. Keep eye contact, nod to show understanding, and avoid planning your response while the other person is speaking. Don’t hear what you want to hear. Just listen and try to understand their perspective. Relationships are about two people, and sometimes we need to hear something we don’t want to.
Keep the Issue Specific
Address only the issue at hand. Bringing up past grievances can take the argument in a different direction, and there will be no resolution. You’re probably still angry about something your partner did a couple of years ago, but bringing it up now is only going to create resentment. They’ll bring something else up from long ago, and you’ll just be going around in circles.
Avoid Generalizations
Words like “always” and “never” are rarely accurate and will make the other person defensive. Instead, point to specific situations in which you feel you’ve been wronged.
Take Turns Talking
To make sure that both have a chance to speak, you should implement a system that allows for this. It might sound like a television debate, but it’ll be appreciated by both and the argument won’t be taken over by one person. Use a timer or even have a physical object that can be passed between you to show who can speak.
Stick to the Facts
Focusing on facts rather than assumptions keeps the discussion objective. Discuss what happened, when it happened, and how it made you feel. You aren’t psychic, and emotions can sometimes make us create crazy stories in our minds. If you want clarification of a certain situation, just ask them.
Acknowledge Their Feelings
Validating the other person's feelings doesn't mean agreeing with them but acknowledging their right to feel a certain way. Relationships require empathy and understanding and you’ll end up in an unhealthy one if you can’t try to understand how your partner feels.
Keep Your Voice Down
A calm and soft voice prevents the discussion from becoming heated. Shouting will make the other person feel threatened, and they’re likely to react in the same way. If they don’t shout back, they’ll probably just walk away and that means there’ll be no resolution and more tension.
Take a Time-Out if Needed
If the discussion gets too heated, it’s perfectly fine to take a break. This will help you both cool down and collect your thoughts. If you think it’s necessary, you can suggest starting again the next day. It takes some people longer to get rid of their irrational thoughts, and that’s normal.
Avoid Physical Gestures
Be aware of your body language. Aggressive gestures like finger-pointing or arm-crossing will make the other person feel attacked. Although it’s difficult, try to be as relaxed as possible. Gestures can also frighten your partner and make them fear physical violence, even if it isn’t your intention.
No Name-Calling
Insults can cause the problems in your relationship to become irreparable. There’s no need to make it personal, and if you’ve any intention of having a mature discussion, you won’t resort to calling your partner names.
Seek to Understand
Approach the argument with the goal of understanding the other person's perspective. Ask questions that allow them to explain their viewpoint, and even if you don’t feel the same way, you need to hear them out. Just because you don’t feel the same way, this doesn’t invalidate their experience.
Offer Compromises
Be prepared to find a middle ground. Suggest compromises that help to resolve the issues and leave both partners feeling heard. Compromise shows a willingness to work through problems in your relationship and your partner will be reassured and feel respected.
Use Humor Wisely
Humor can lighten the mood, but make sure it's appropriate and not at the expense of the other person. Used correctly, it can break the tension and pave the way for easier conversations. If it isn't done right, your partner will feel insulted and belittled. It’s best not to use humor at all unless you’re absolutely sure it won’t be taken the wrong way.
Admit When You’re Wrong
If you realize you are mistaken, admit it. Apologizing sincerely will reduce tension, and your significant other will probably reciprocate. Being able to admit fault shows you are humble and mature enough to recognize your flaws.
Follow Up
After the argument, revisit the conversation so that both sides feel the issue has been resolved. This follow-up will be done in a less tense environment and shows that you’re sincere in trying to resolve any conflict. You’ll need to be honest, and if you don’t feel like progress has been made, then say so, or resentment will start to surface soon after.
Learn from Each Argument
Reflect on an argument to see what was effective and what wasn’t. This helps you both to improve communication and learn how to handle future disagreements better. You can communicate it between each other, and if you don’t feel comfortable vocalizing it, you can write a note which sometimes is softer than words.
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