You're dating a nice guy. At first, everything seems too good to be true. You're treated to extravagant gifts and dates, you hardly ever argue, and you're always reminded of how amazing you are. However, the nice guy can often be the most toxic when their behavior is inauthentic or comes from a desire to control or be popular. Read on to find out 18 ways nice guy traits might actually be toxic to save yourself heartache down the line.
Lack of Boundaries
A self-proclaimed nice guy might have difficulty saying no, constantly agreeing to every social outing they are invited to, and therefore become burnt out, affecting relationships and maybe neglecting their romantic partner in the process. Being nice doesn't give you unlimited access to everyone. Boundaries are important and healthy.
Excessively Generous
Gift-giving can be a love language, and when thoughtful, it is great for a relationship and a genuinely nice act. However, excessive generosity, whether through lavish gifts, holidays, or even giving cash, can be a precursor to control or set an expectation of reciprocation in various ways. Don't assume generosity is purely a sign of selflessness. It can have nefarious motivations.
Need to Fix Everything
Some seemingly nice men want to fix all your problems, swooping in as the knight in shining armor just when you need it. This can be counterproductive, though, for example, in those times when you just want someone to hold your hand rather than jump to fix things for you.
Need for Validation
Many nice guys need to be told they are nice or liked. This constant seeking of reassurance can be a sign of insecurity that manifests in a tiring need to be validated by those around them. Being nice without being told they're being nice is pointless. They need the gold star attached.
Always Available
If the nice guy is always available, ready to drop everything and come to you when you ask, on the surface, that can seem attractive. Nonetheless, this can also be a sign of a lack of boundaries as well as an unhealthy desire to be at your beck and call, sometimes for their own validation rather than to support you in the ways you desire.
High Expectations
Many so-called nice guys don't act a certain way out of selflessness or the goodness of their own heart, but rather because they expect to be treated the same way. They hold high expectations for people in their lives, expecting the same treatment and making you feel guilty if you can't hold to their high standards.
Preference for Planning
Building a reputation as a nice guy can take a lot of planning. To fit everyone into their social calendar, amplifying their social standing and popularity takes time and effort. This causes a lack of spontaneity that can be detrimental to truly authentic relationships, where being treated like a business partner devalues friendship.
Co-Dependency
Being a nice guy can quickly develop into being clingy. If a man is co-dependent on you for their validation, social life, or popularity, they might harbor jealousy when you spend time with other loved ones and develop relationships with different people. This envy is a red flag that your nice guy might be more toxic than they're letting on.
Lays on the Complements
Everyone likes to be complemented from time to time, but an overabundance of compliments starts to trivialize their meaning. Being bombarded with praise about your appearance, for example, starts to feel superficial and like it's just being deployed as a tool to make you like them, rather than a genuine complement.
Inauthentic Personality
This relates to the fake personalities that can be exhibited in nice guys, too. All their nice tendencies are too often, in reality, a tool to advance themselves socially or in their careers. Rooting out authenticity can be difficult, but staying vigilant to superficial niceness can help you find genuinely kind men.
Over Apologizes
A man who over-apologizes can be toxic. Of course, we all want to spend time with people who are able to take responsibility for their own actions. Still, someone who constantly apologizes raises questions about how much they truly understand their own wrongdoing. Often, it is just an easy way to brush problems under the carpet, maintaining the nice guy image to the detriment of true connections and understanding.
Perpetual Victim
Similarly, someone who habitually plays the victim due to their perceived niceness can be exhibiting toxic traits. A level of confrontation is healthy within friendships and relationships, so to constantly cower behind being nice, as though by calling out problems you are not, can be a manipulative technique to force you into accepting blame.
Constant Reminders of His Niceness
If someone needs to constantly talk about how nice they are, it's likely they are having to try really hard to be nice and feel a need to be commended for it. This signals that they are only being nice to receive the ego-boosting benefits rather than as an authentic display of their character.
Need to be Liked
Nice guys are often chronic people-pleasers, feeling a constant desire to be liked by everyone. This can be very difficult for those close to them, who feel side-lined by his attempts to be friends with everyone rather than building a smaller, closer circle with people who truly care.
Non-Confrontational
Equally, this need to be liked by everyone can make the nice guy very non-confrontational. Of course, no one wants to spend time with someone who is forever getting into fights or arguments, but true friends stand up for one another, regardless of the potential consequences. If the nice guy in your life is leaving you to fend for yourself, it's likely they prioritize their own popularity over your well-being.
Love Bombing
Love bombing is when a person constantly bombards you with over-the-top displays of affection, for example, through lavish gifts or constant statements of undying love. This excessive attention can actually be rooted in narcissism, setting you up to forgive them when nastier traits might reveal themselves in the future.
Ambitious
Ambitious men can be great to have in your life, inspiring you to go further in your own career or toward your own dreams and goals. Sometimes, however, a man's ambition can shine a light on why they want to be known as a nice guy in the first place. Perhaps it is to get ahead in their job or to make lots of popular friends, leaving those relationships that don't advance them further behind in the dust.
Reward for Niceness
Many toxic men aren't just nice for the sake of it. It may appear that way at first, but later down the line, you discover they expect to be rewarded. Whether through greater affection, spending a lot of time with them, or treating them with reverence, this expectation of reciprocation demonstrates the selfishness at the root of their nice guy persona.
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