Narcissistic personalities have little concern for anyone but themselves. The term comes from Narcissus, who was a mythical character who fell in love with his reflection in the water. Gaslighting is a phrase that pertains to the tactics that many narcissists use to confuse their victims, tear things up, and literally throw gas on the argument to disorient and refocus their opposition. It is quite masterful the way that they can use simple phrases to shut even the smartest people down with ease.
That Never Happened
One of the biggest phrases that is within a narcissistic personality's arsenal is the ones that switch the truth and attempt to make the other person feel as if what they know is not what they know. Often, they use a “that never happened” tactic to confuse the person who is challenging them. If it didn’t happen, then there is no argument. Denying things happened is only one of their masterful tactics.
You Have Issues
Narcissists usually choose to be in a relationship with people who tend to be pleasers. In finding those people who care about what people think of them, they can use their weakness to be liked against them. By saying things like “you've got issues,” it shifts the narrative back to the person who is making the accusation and it questions their sanity. When someone is the victim of narcissistic abuse, it becomes increasingly easy for the narcissist to use their insecurities against them.
I Never Said That
Narcissists will do whatever they have to to shut someone who is threatening them down. By saying they never said what they are being accused of, they are pushing the argument onto another to prove it. It isn’t like they are going to be taped and played back for proof. By negating and lying, they not only confuse, but they also frustrate their victim, who will usually give up and give in just to stop the madness.
You’re Just Being Sensitive
Narcissists work by putting down the people who are closest to them to gain a superior advantage. They often use putdowns and belittlement to get what they want. After they treat someone horribly and their true nature is revealed, they will lighten it by saying that the person confronting them is too sensitive or got it all wrong. They will refuse to take the blame for anything they did.
You’re Being Paranoid
Paranoia is a great thing to use for gaslighting. Because the person who is the victim of a narcissist will have a hard time finding reality, they can feel as if they are actually paranoid. When someone’s recount of things is drastically different from yours all the time, you can start to question yourself. So when someone says, “You're being paranoid,” it can be hard not to believe them.
You’re Crazy
Not only will the narcissistic abuser use the term crazy to shut you down, but they will also use it to taint how others see you. When they talk about you, they will use words like “crazy” or “unstable” or tell people you are “paranoid.” For them, it is a whole campaign to sway the truth, not just for you but for everyone involved in your lives together.
You Can’t Control Your Emotions
One of a narcissist's favorite tactics is making it sound like the problem is that you can’t control your emotions. They make you feel like if you could just calm down and control yourself, you wouldn’t get so angry. When you confront a narcissist, they will do everything to incite the situation. No matter how calm you are going in, you can rarely stay that way. When someone is telling you something you know isn’t true, maintaining your composure is not easy. By getting you to react, they prove exactly what they intended to; it is just your anger issues.
Everything is Your Fault
Narcissists will never take the blame for what they have done. They will always try to push it off onto someone else. It is very difficult to argue with a narcissist because they twist and turn and will make you feel like everything is your fault. If you had just let things be, if you had just let things go, or if you hadn’t been so sensitive, things would be fine. It is an entire blame game that you never win.
You’re Being Dramatic
By saying you are being dramatic, they are playing into the whole emotional issue. When they label you as being overly dramatic, everything you say from that point on is assumed to be irrational and “crazy.” Again, the way that narcissists shut people down is by twisting everything so irreparably there is no fight left to have.
Everyone Thinks So
When a narcissist begins to lose an argument, they will bring everyone into it without their permission. By saying things like “everyone knows” or “everything thinks so,” they often can make their victims feel like it isn’t just the narcissist who thinks so; everyone does. It is a way to use mob mentality to beat their opposition into submission.
You Made Me Do It
Because narcissists can’t ever be to blame for everything, they will push their poor words or actions back on you by making you feel as if you deserved whatever it was they did. By making the other person feel at fault, they can shut down the argument and make the other person apologize for making them behave poorly.
If You Really Loved Me
Narcissists will engage in love bombing to get what they want. Right up front, they are overly loving and can’t get enough of you. Then, just as you start to rely on them, they will use that love as a weapon to control you. By saying things like “If you really loved me,” they are using your love and concern for them against you. Since they have little ability to love themselves, they are expert at using it against you.
You are Abusing Me
The craziest thing about dealing with a narcissist is that they can abuse you while convincing you that you are the perpetrator. By saying you are the abusive one, it makes you reexamine what you already know to be true. Since they make you react, it is easy to consider that you might be the abuser instead of them. They make upside down, right side up.
You’re Imaging Things
Narcissists work by trying to make you think that you are crazy or that what you know to be true isn’t true. They are continually trying to mess with your reality and do so by constantly telling you that you are wrong. By saying, “You're imagining things,” they put the blame back on you for their poor behavior.
It Was a Joke
Narcissists will do things that tear your security and self-esteem. By putting you down, they make you feel inferior, and they also do everything possible to make you feel like you would be lost without them. By saying, “It was a joke,” they attempt to make you think that they meant no harm by saying what they did to hurt your feelings. If you were just not so sensitive, then you wouldn’t have been hurt.
You Need Help
A narcissist is an expert at messing with your sense of reality and self. They will commonly say things like “You need help” or “I think you should get help” to pretend that they are worried about you and how outlandish things have gotten. You feel like things are out of control, too, so you are susceptible to accept that you might be the problem, even when your gut tells you that you aren’t.
You’re so Insecure
Narcissists love to use the best parts of you against yourself. They tend to target pleasers and people who are nice and care about what others think of them. By saying, “You're so insecure,” they are putting the blame that you are hurt back onto you. Since nothing can be their fault, if you would just be more secure in yourself, then you wouldn’t be hurt.
I Know About These Things
A narcissist can instantly become an expert on just anything. They use “facts” to prove their point that typically are not facts at all. Narcissists have no problem lying to confuse you and win the argument. Even if they know nothing about it, they won’t admit it. Suddenly, they are an expert about everything.
Narcissistic Abuse is Real
Narcissistic personalities are difficult ones to live with and not lose yourself. They rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their actions and work best by getting you to react. When you do, they are right there, ready to tell you that it is all you, you’re crazy, they were joking, and if you could just learn to manage your emotions, everything would be fine. Don’t buy into it; what you know to be real is, even when they try to convince you otherwise.
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