Everyone loves to be complimented, but sometimes compliments won’t be taken in the way you want them to be. They can come across as passive aggressive, needy or lacking in awareness. When you do compliment someone, you must make sure it’s the right time and place or you could end up losing a friend. Here are 17 compliments which could be taken the wrong way.
‘You’re so Cute!’
There are few things worse than being infantilized when you’re a fully grown adult. Saying someone is “cute” is the epitome of this. The intentions might be pure, but using a compliment that is more befitting of a baby or child will probably not be received well.
There is an added factor of introducing a weird power dynamic to a relationship. Friends want to be seen as equals, not to be spoken to as if they are an anime character.
‘Why Are You Still Single? You’re a Great Catch.’
More and more people prefer to stay single, while others don’t want to be reminded that they are. By asking them you’re either reminding them of their relationship struggles, or making them feel pressured to do something they don’t want to do.
Support and empathy are the fundamentals of a good friendship, so understanding their reasoning and motivations for being single is more useful than telling them they’re “a great catch”. It doesn’t mean you can’t tell them how great they are; just have an awareness of their situation.
‘You’re Cleverer Than I Thought You Were!’
You’re essentially telling someone you thought they were a bit dumb and now you think they’re not quite as dumb as you thought. It will change the whole dynamic of a relationship, nevermind that you should never be openly questioning the intelligence of a friend.
We all have insecurities and it’s in friendships and relationships where we are able to find a space to remove ourselves from self-doubt. Intellectual abilities come in different forms and aren’t always immediately obvious. Besides, it’s unlikely that you are being nominated for nobel awards, either.
‘Why Are You Still Working There? You’re Much Better Than That.’
We don’t always know what someone’s motivation for doing a job they don’t like is. It could be true that they should be doing so much better, but they probably know that. Reminding them will just add a layer of resentment and strain a friendship.
Support and encouragement that they will eventually find something they love to do will be more helpful and appreciated.
‘You Really Have Yourself Together!’
What we see on the outside is not always reflective of what’s going on inside. Telling a friend they are “so together” could have the opposite effect of the one intended. Those who are genuinely struggling have a tendency to not vocalize their feelings.
It may also stop a friend seeking support in the future as they don’t want to destroy your perception of them. None of us lead perfect lives, so avoid putting friends on a pedestal as it’s counterproductive.
‘You Should Wear Red More; It Really Suits You!’
You might think you are being complimentary, but remarking on a friend’s choice of clothing may be taken the wrong way. They’ve likely put a lot of thought into what they are wearing and don’t want to be told what does and doesn’t look good on them.
There’s no problem in complimenting your friend’s clothes, but being specific can cause someone to become self-conscious. When we are around friends, we want to be comfortable and not feel we are being judged.
‘It Must Be Tough Coming From Your Background’
There’s nothing wrong with respecting and admiring a friend for overcoming a troubled background, but be careful with word choice. They know it was tough; they were the ones who lived it and they probably don’t want to be reminded of it.
It’s also about putting a friendship on an equal footing; by reminding them of their background, it could come across as condescending. Instead of bringing up their past, emphasize what they have in the present.
‘I Wish I Was More Like You’
This compliment can put undue pressure on a friendship. It’s nice to be an inspiration, but hearing that someone wants to be just like you can be uncomfortable to hear.
Friendships and other relationships are based on the unique qualities each individual brings, and being “individual” is key to that. It’s another example of putting a person on a pedestal when they don’t want to be. Admire your friends, but keep being yourself because that is what they value.
‘You’re so Lucky to Have the Parents You Have!’
Mentioning someone else’s parents is always risky when it comes to relationships with friends and significant others. What might appear to be wonderful on the surface may not be so in reality. If a person doesn’t mention their parents often, it’s probably an uncomfortable subject for them.
Family dynamics can be complicated, and it is lived experiences that define them. If you haven’t been through those lived experiences, it’s best not to comment.
‘You Are so Resilient!’
When you tell someone they are resilient, you are telling them that their life is not great. If life is a struggle, we don’t really want to be reminded of it! Resilience is a great quality to have, but it’s also exhausting.
Instead of telling a friend how strong they are, just be there for them. They need a friend who can take them away from what they need that resilience for.
‘I Wish I Could Have a Figure Like Yours!’
Everyone has a friend that looks amazing no matter what they wear, and they quite obviously put a lot of effort into keeping themselves in shape. Tell them they look great but don’t go overboard and avoid mentioning physical features.
Social media has created unrealistic expectations for body image, and while it might seem you are being complimentary, it can create undue pressure on a friend to maintain a certain look or physique. They do look amazing, but hold off with the comparisons.
‘You Just Don’t Care, I Love That!’
Everyone has a friend that seems to be care free. It is unlikely that they are actually care free, and what might seem like a positive attribute can become a burden they always have to live up to.
It’s also good to care and telling someone that they seem not to care may be taken negatively. Everyone has different ways of expressing themselves and they may not allow themselves to be affected by certain things others find difficult, but they almost certainly care!
‘You Are Way More Confident Than You Look!’
You shouldn’t be commenting on a friend’s appearance, but this one is especially rude. You are telling someone that the way they look has negatively affected your perception of them. It makes you look judgemental and your friend’s confidence will take a hit.
We all want to be confident, and confidence comes from how others perceive us. If someone is more confident than you initially thought, quietly respect that confidence rather than bringing them down.
‘I Love That You Get Exactly What You Want!’
That friend who seems to be able to achieve all their goals in life is one to admire. They obviously put a lot of work into getting where they want to be, but the above phrase implies that they will do anything to get there.
Someone achieving highly doesn’t always do it through nefarious means. Dedication and persistence are vital and it’s those attributes that have got them there rather than trampling over everyone in their way. Softer phrasing is more complimentary and received better.
‘You Are so Dependable!’
Friends are friends because they are dependable. It isn’t something which needs to be said, and it can come across as transactional. If someone is your friend, they’ll be there when you need them, there’s no need to emphasize it because they already know.
It also opens up the possibility of a friend feeling as though you are overly reliant on them. A healthy friendship should transcend expectations and the word ‘dependable’ places an expectation that could become a burden.
‘You’re Such a Great Listener!’
If you’re telling someone they’re a good listener, it usually means you’re talking a lot. Relationships are all about communication, and communication is a two way street. A good friend will always listen, but they will also want to be heard.
It might seem like a great compliment but it may not be taken as such. If you find yourself saying it often, you might need to reevaluate how much you are unloading and if the other person is completely comfortable with it.
‘You’re so Brave!’
Another compliment that can be perceived as condescending. It depends on the context of someone’s courage, but it will probably be in a situation that they don’t particularly want to be going through.
Rather than telling them how brave they are, it’s better to tell them you are there for them if needed. Empathy is always better than sympathy!
Things Are Sometimes Best Left Unsaid
In healthy relationships, whether with friends, family or partners, there’s always space for compliments. Empathy and awareness are vital for giving compliments, and if there is doubt on how they might be taken, it is better to say nothing at all. Presence is the best compliment you can give and is far more meaningful than words that can be misinterpreted.
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